Despair.

 I would write about my London antics if I could. But things have taken a turn for the worst. After being in an extreme cycle of mania and depression for the past few days I have hit catastrophe. I have reached the bottom of the snake pit. I feel like I’m going insane and if I get worse I’ll either be back in the psychiatric hospital or dead. I’m tearing at the insides of my own mind. I can’t react with any normality. What is happening to me!! Please stop, please. Somebody save me from myself. I am insane. I am insane. I am insane. Get me out of hell. This is hell. How can I survive this. It has never felt this bad.. not only mentally, but physically my whole body is out of control. The entire despair kicks itself and I want to break. Shatter. Everything, I must. I’m not worth this. This is too much. Pain. So much fucking pain by body can’t stand up and fight anymore. Maybe, just maybe I’ll let the insanity take over my mind and I’ll never resurface. I’ll be lost in the delusions of my own fantasies. Forever. Lost. Death or Insanity. Which will come first, I’m not sure yet. Perhaps death. I hope. Nothingness. Peaceful, ever so peaceful. As they say in latin, ‘Finis’. And perhaps this may be appropriate, ‘Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero’ but not in the way they quite want it to be meant. Finality. I will seize my last day and make my decision.

Whatever that may be.

All my love.

J

  

3 Responses to “Despair.”

  1. Hun DON’T off yourself once your gone! think about ALL the PEOPLE that will miss you I’m in the same boat right now with the ED and the Bipolar. I was fine the past couple of days and now it’s CRASHED down all around me. I can’t stand this. PRAY if you must it WILL get better it ALWAYS does and you know that.

  2. :(((
    I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this beautiful. It’ll be okay. It must be horrible right now. Really, truly horrible. And I know you can’t see how it can ever be better. But it can and will be better. Somehow, someway it’ll get better and you’ll be in a better place than you are now. I have no idea how to make this better for you, how to help, how to improve the situation even a tiny bit. I have no idea what to say really. But just know that so many people love you, so many people value you, so many people think you are amazing – I know I do.
    Keep going. One day at a time. Just keep going. Keep hoping.
    It WILL get better.
    Loveee <3
    text me if you need xoxo

  3. Just a down few days… admittedly amazingly down few days.
    But; of course you’re worth it.

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