Realisation.

  Realisation…

I’ve had some revelations/realisations. I am never going to have the life that I want and so desperately need. I don’t know how to accept and cope with that. Most have that quality, that essence which will enable them to find the love of their lives and to lead their own unique but still beautiful life. What happens when you don’t have that? That essence which will enable you to evolve into who you should be. What if you’re not quite right? What if there was a fault in the wiring of your brain? What if you’ll never quite fit?

I may work as hard as I can to change myself or try and accept myself as I am but neither ever seems to work or be enough. Maybe I’m simply not compatible with life. I crave so much all of the time. I crave to love and be loved in return. I crave for people to want me. I crave success and unattainable beauty. I crave to be braver than I am. I crave for people to say good things about me when I die and really mean them. I crave to not want to feel like I have to lie to make me seem brighter or more intelligent or to have to make up excuses for the unbearable being in which I am.

I hope I will find a solution in the near future but for now it would be greatly appreciated if I was written off and started again from scratch.

Jessica x

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.”                                       

– Henry David Thoreau

6 Responses to “Realisation.”

  1. Who really “fits” ? The authentic among us always end up carving out a niche instead.

    The desires you mention are the same quests as many, and although they may not be fulfilled, yet those people may still develop lives of worth.

    As may you, “fit” or not.

  2. I promise you have what it is that you need to be happy. There is no defect in your brain. Everyone is different, and whatever is different about you is not something that will keep you from attaining your goals, I promise.
    I know sometimes it may seem hopeless. Pointless.
    But, then again, isn’t everything since it all ends eventually anyways?
    If the path you want to walk is truly something unattainable, then reexamine what you want.

  3. […] to have that reassurance that I’m not just intrinsically incompatible with the world (which my friend Jess got me thinking about…). I mean, I even feel very removed from my parents sometimes, perhaps you’d even say […]

  4. I know that we don’t really know each other, but your blog seems like a good and useful thing. I know you have not posted in a while, but I hope you will keep up with it as time moves forward.

  5. crave to love and be loved in return. I crave for people to want me. I crave success and unattainable beauty. I crave to be braver than I am. I crave for people to say good things about me when I die and really mean them. I crave to not want to feel like I have to lie to make me seem brighter or more intelligent or to have to make up excuses for the unbearable being in which I am.

    Now that is beautiful…

  6. If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
    Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
    — Henry David Thoreau

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: