Adulthood.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2011 by PoisonedShadow

 So, 18 years old in one weeks time. Scary? Hell yeah. I’ll officially be an adult and expected to be responsible and normal. Yeah right. I never actually thought that I would reach 18 so it is, in fact, quite an event. However, it is so damn scary as I know that I am entering adulthood with so much rubbish and such a messed up mind. How is that a good way to start? Will it all get worse?

My psychiatrist is setting up a meeting with the adult psychiatric services so as to transfer me over to them. I will, again, have to go through my life history with someone I don’t know. My current psychiatrist, my friend. I trust him so much and I don’t know how I’ll manage without him to be quite honest. He makes me laugh, he makes me angry, he picks me up when I collapse and we try again. I will miss him more than I dare to say.

Love,

Jessica x

Back <3

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2011 by PoisonedShadow

 Current Weight – 87lbs

Sorry for not posting in a while. I’ve just had so much going on with college etc. I’m afraid that I haven’t kept up with your blogs but I will be spending this week doing a catch up.

Anyway, 87lbs. I haven’t managed to meet my original deadlines but I am planning to work really hard from now to reach my ultimate goal weight. Also, the added stress of trying to get the right grades for med school should help in me in losing some weight. I was also thinking about putting some before and after shots up of me on here. What do you think?

So just a quick post but I will be posting regularly from now on.

Love, J

xoxox

The Wanderings of a Lost Soul

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 I can’t reach my thoughts or emotions. I have been cut off. I try to grasp something sane and it almost enters my clasp. As quickly as it comes, it disappears again. Lost. A state of half consciousness lingers and wavers through the haze of my mind. I can sense a situation which requires an emotional response, such as worry or tears. But I can’t feel anything, I can’t feel at all. The emotions don’t come forth to bare. I know what I should be feeling but the only emotion/feeling that I recognise is the numbness and despair. I try to run and escape it but my feet are trapped in the quicksand. The quicksand that is dragging me down deeper and deeper untill there is no oxygen left in my lungs and no spark left in my mind.

Gained urghhhh!

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 I cannot believe that I have gained four whole pounds! I feel completely and utterly discusting. I have been binging and purging all week = 4 pounds! I never used to gain that much weight when I was going through the binge purge cycle all of the time? Sorry that I haven’t posted recently, had so many assignments to do and have just been really hectic. The work is just being piled on us before christmas. Tutors love to stress you out in the weeks up to christmas grrr.

Anyway, I’ll write more later this week and actually write properly.

Love,

J xoxo

Near Failure.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 Three full days of the binge/purge cycle. Disaster. I also keep finding that there are clumps of blood in my vomit which is pretty discusting. I’m not sure what that means about my physical health. Apart from that, Ive just been feeling my depression working its way back a little, however, I’m determind not to let it. Hopefully tomorrow will be more successful as I’m starting a water fast. It should last for seven days to start with and then I’ll see if I can go on a bit longer. Wish me luck!

Lots of love,

Jessica

x

80’s

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 Current Weight – 89lbs!

Yes! I’m finally in the 80’s!! I’m really pleased with myself. :)

However, I keep waking up with bruises. I don’t get it? I wake up and I have big old bruises all over my hips and back. Why? I haven’t beaten myself up during the night and my mattress has 8cm memory foam in it so it isn’t because the mattress is too hard. Nevermind. The guy that I’m going to stay with on the 18th is soo lovely but I’m getting really bad jitters and am thinking about backing out even though I don’t want to. Thing is, when I stay with him in Cambridge I know what’s expected. If you know what I mean. I’m still really uncomfortable about people seeing my body and I’m terrified that he’ll look at me and think, ‘That’s discusting’. Nightmare.

Hope you’re all having a ball.

Love <3

Top Pro-Ana Blog Award 2010?

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

Hmmmm….

My blog has been awarded a ‘Top Pro-Ana Blog Award 2010’. I’m not sure how I feel about that really. Whether to be pleased or rather dismayed? A mixture of both I think. The only other winner from wordpress is ‘Addicted to Clouds’ of which I happen to be a fan. The other winners are all from blogspot.

Take a look at http://medicalbillingandcoding.org/top/pro-ana/ and see what you think about it all.

Love,

J <3