Archive for Insomnia

6 Months Later…

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2012 by PoisonedShadow

 I’m such an awful blogger, six months and no posts. Whoops.

Well, I am determined to change that and begin blogging weekly again. I have also missed venting all the bizarre things that go on in my head so lucky you! You get to hear them! Ok then, what’s been happening in my life recently. I’ve gained 10lbs. Discusting I know. My parents have been fattening me up over christmas and now I am in some desperate need of motivation to get those 10lbs off and hopefully some more. So, I’m starting with a week of 300cals daily and at least and hours exercise. That should cause me to lose 7lbs this week. Motivation, motivation, motivation. I might have to read Marya Hornbacher’s book ‘Wasted’ again. I don’t know why but that always seems to help me restrict and be disciplined. Well, I’ll write in a weeks time and let you know how I got on.

Wish me luck!

J x

Here We Go Again.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 13, 2011 by PoisonedShadow

They have referred me to the ed services. I’m dreading it. My relationship has fallen through the floor, my thoughts have started to speed up again and my life feels like it’s literally falling apart. And guess what? I know exactly what to do when that starts to happen! Control my food. I have to start restricting again. It makes everything better (TEMPORARILY.. shhh). I’ll make it work. God, I wish I knew what to do to fix the shattered heart though. Give it time, a lot of time I suppose. I wish there was a quicker route, say like move to another country? Urghh.

I have fallen in love with a few songs recently that I keep repeating on my ipod over and over.  Sometimes, music is addictive. Jamelia by Caribou is one of those addictive songs along with the Frankmusik – Completely Me Acoustic album.

I’ve had a number of new subscribers recently and I was wondering if there were any topics that anyone would like me to talk about or discuss, or any information that you’d like, or any questions in general? Let me know :)

 

All my love,

Jessica x

 

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”

-Henry David Thoreau

It’s Been A While <3

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2011 by PoisonedShadow

 Well, it’s been 3 months since my last post and I’ve decided that I really need to start writing regularly again. I miss it. This is my one outlet, and it works well.

Gosh, so, 3 months. I am now 18.. an adult. I have been passed over to adult mental health services and am still going through assessments at the moment. They keep saying that they think I might be bipolar. Yeaaahh. I already know that, the referral team already told them that. They haven’t mentioned my ed yet which is quite nice in a way. I get a break. However, food is still a nightmare, as is the weight, but I’ll talk about that next time. Errrm… I am still at college, muddling along but loving it all the same. So I guess all sorts of little events have happend since my last post but I won’t bore you with them.

I will write weekly from now on whilst attempting to monitor my weight on here at the same time and my next post should be more detailed and current.

Love always,

J x

P.s. Kryssy and Georgie.. contact me, let me know how you are :) xxxx

Adulthood.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2011 by PoisonedShadow

 So, 18 years old in one weeks time. Scary? Hell yeah. I’ll officially be an adult and expected to be responsible and normal. Yeah right. I never actually thought that I would reach 18 so it is, in fact, quite an event. However, it is so damn scary as I know that I am entering adulthood with so much rubbish and such a messed up mind. How is that a good way to start? Will it all get worse?

My psychiatrist is setting up a meeting with the adult psychiatric services so as to transfer me over to them. I will, again, have to go through my life history with someone I don’t know. My current psychiatrist, my friend. I trust him so much and I don’t know how I’ll manage without him to be quite honest. He makes me laugh, he makes me angry, he picks me up when I collapse and we try again. I will miss him more than I dare to say.

Love,

Jessica x

Back <3

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2011 by PoisonedShadow

 Current Weight – 87lbs

Sorry for not posting in a while. I’ve just had so much going on with college etc. I’m afraid that I haven’t kept up with your blogs but I will be spending this week doing a catch up.

Anyway, 87lbs. I haven’t managed to meet my original deadlines but I am planning to work really hard from now to reach my ultimate goal weight. Also, the added stress of trying to get the right grades for med school should help in me in losing some weight. I was also thinking about putting some before and after shots up of me on here. What do you think?

So just a quick post but I will be posting regularly from now on.

Love, J

xoxox

The Wanderings of a Lost Soul

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 I can’t reach my thoughts or emotions. I have been cut off. I try to grasp something sane and it almost enters my clasp. As quickly as it comes, it disappears again. Lost. A state of half consciousness lingers and wavers through the haze of my mind. I can sense a situation which requires an emotional response, such as worry or tears. But I can’t feel anything, I can’t feel at all. The emotions don’t come forth to bare. I know what I should be feeling but the only emotion/feeling that I recognise is the numbness and despair. I try to run and escape it but my feet are trapped in the quicksand. The quicksand that is dragging me down deeper and deeper untill there is no oxygen left in my lungs and no spark left in my mind.

Gained urghhhh!

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 I cannot believe that I have gained four whole pounds! I feel completely and utterly discusting. I have been binging and purging all week = 4 pounds! I never used to gain that much weight when I was going through the binge purge cycle all of the time? Sorry that I haven’t posted recently, had so many assignments to do and have just been really hectic. The work is just being piled on us before christmas. Tutors love to stress you out in the weeks up to christmas grrr.

Anyway, I’ll write more later this week and actually write properly.

Love,

J xoxo