Archive for madness

It’s Been A While <3

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2011 by PoisonedShadow

 Well, it’s been 3 months since my last post and I’ve decided that I really need to start writing regularly again. I miss it. This is my one outlet, and it works well.

Gosh, so, 3 months. I am now 18.. an adult. I have been passed over to adult mental health services and am still going through assessments at the moment. They keep saying that they think I might be bipolar. Yeaaahh. I already know that, the referral team already told them that. They haven’t mentioned my ed yet which is quite nice in a way. I get a break. However, food is still a nightmare, as is the weight, but I’ll talk about that next time. Errrm… I am still at college, muddling along but loving it all the same. So I guess all sorts of little events have happend since my last post but I won’t bore you with them.

I will write weekly from now on whilst attempting to monitor my weight on here at the same time and my next post should be more detailed and current.

Love always,

J x

P.s. Kryssy and Georgie.. contact me, let me know how you are :) xxxx

The Wanderings of a Lost Soul

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 I can’t reach my thoughts or emotions. I have been cut off. I try to grasp something sane and it almost enters my clasp. As quickly as it comes, it disappears again. Lost. A state of half consciousness lingers and wavers through the haze of my mind. I can sense a situation which requires an emotional response, such as worry or tears. But I can’t feel anything, I can’t feel at all. The emotions don’t come forth to bare. I know what I should be feeling but the only emotion/feeling that I recognise is the numbness and despair. I try to run and escape it but my feet are trapped in the quicksand. The quicksand that is dragging me down deeper and deeper untill there is no oxygen left in my lungs and no spark left in my mind.

Overcoming Bulimia Online.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

Current Weight – 90lbs

Haven’t posted in a week or so but I have been rather busy with college and therapy etc. Also, I have just begun my journey on a reasearch study on bulimia for the University of Glasgow. I came across it via the BEAT website and I have had an hours phone call from one of the researchers and had to complete lots of questionnaires, listened to mp3 files and watched specific videos. It is ongoing and you get continued support throughout the project as you have to complete certain stages at certain times and they can be quite difficult emotionally/psychologically. Even though it is early days, I would recommend doing it and seeing if you are eligible to complete the programme as it seems to be quite successful in battling bulimia and the thoughts associated with it. After 2 weeks of doing it I have been put into the immediate access group, which means that instead of waiting ten weeks for the online programme, support and packages I get access straight away.  But if any of you lovelies are struggling with bulimia or think you may have it, take a look at the BEAT website as there is a link to the study from there.

What else has been going on? Well, I’m in love. He is quite simply beautiful and I literally have a heart attack everytime I see him. He just messes up my mind so much. I end up saying the most stupid and nonsensical things when he is around me. How do guys do this? I wish I had that skill! Anyway, weight is going down ever so slowly and will hopefully reach my ultimate goal weight by christmas. I feel that it is infact possible now although, I always have this thought in the back of my mind “What will I do if it isn’t enough?”. Scary thought.

Nevermind, loads of love

Jessica xox

Marya Hornbacher!!

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 Oh my god!!! I sent an email to Marya Hornbacher (author of ‘Wasted’ & ‘Madness: A Bipolar Life’ etc) telling her how amazing and beautiful her writing was and she actually sent me an email back!! I had a fit when she replied.

Here it is:

“Dear Jessica,

 Thank you so much for writing, and for your incredibly kind words about my memoirs. I am honored to know that you felt a connection with them, and so very glad to hear that they helped you on your journey to recovery in some way. Nothing could make me happier.

 Your last words are so interesting–“outrun the beast that is our own madness”–and I want to say something about that. I am indeed very well these days, and have found the happiness, peace of mind, and stability I never thought would be possible for me. But a big part of that has been not so much outrunning the beast as accepting that it is a part of me, and a part of my life. That acceptance allows me to fear it less and manage it more effectively. I know that I have to do absolutely whatever is necessary to take care of myself, to laugh a lot, to love others well, and to live fully. Madness or no, this is my life to live and I intend to enjoy it. I encourage you to look for acceptance in yourself as well–I believe it just may be the key to our sanity.

 My thoughts are with you, and I wish you the very best!

 Be well,

Marya Hornbacher” 


 I think that I’m a little star struck! What I said to her which she quoted was, “Surely, we must eventually be able to outrun the beast that is our own madness”. What she says about it is so very true. I think I essentially knew it before but Marya has just cemented it in my brain. She is such an incredible woman to have experienced what she has and still be alive to be writing about it and living a full life today.

Just had to share this.

Lots of love,

Jessica xox

P.s. If you haven’t read her books, you absolutely must do!

Good (early) morning!

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 I havent’ yet been to sleep and it’s 06:14am so I am just waiting for the family to wake up after a lovely nights sleep so that I have something to do. Bloody hell, I’m gonna be shattered today. Urghhh. Someone just knock me out please!

Loads of love and have a lovely day.

Jessica <3


Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2010 by PoisonedShadow


Current weight – 93lbs

Sometimes I wonder whether my eating disorder is just one vice out of many. Smoking, purging, starving, cutting, drinking. Why do I choose ones that are so detrimental to my health?? Why can I not have a vice like simply gardening, tidying or keeping fit? Do I like to damage or is healthy and normal simply boring? Surely I could reach some sort of balance instead of the bad entirely outweighing the (non-existant) good.

I think I’m just a tad messed up :)


J <3


Sleep zzzzz.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 Current Weight – 94lbs

I wish. It’s 1am here in England and I so desperately need to sleep. For the past three weeks I have had between 30 minutes and an hour a night. I am sooooo tired! Apart from that, a relatively successful day. Submitted my essays which I was quite nervous about and managed to keep to just an innocent fruit smoothie.

People are starting to notice my weight loss now which I find a little unnerving. I guess in a way it’s about time as in the past 4/5 months I have lost approx 46lbs. Quite an achievement if you ignore all of the rubbish that went with it. Gradually getting closer to my 84lb goal. It just seems right that number, I don’t know why, it just does?


J xoxo