Archive for Mania

Realisation.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2012 by PoisonedShadow

  Realisation…

I’ve had some revelations/realisations. I am never going to have the life that I want and so desperately need. I don’t know how to accept and cope with that. Most have that quality, that essence which will enable them to find the love of their lives and to lead their own unique but still beautiful life. What happens when you don’t have that? That essence which will enable you to evolve into who you should be. What if you’re not quite right? What if there was a fault in the wiring of your brain? What if you’ll never quite fit?

I may work as hard as I can to change myself or try and accept myself as I am but neither ever seems to work or be enough. Maybe I’m simply not compatible with life. I crave so much all of the time. I crave to love and be loved in return. I crave for people to want me. I crave success and unattainable beauty. I crave to be braver than I am. I crave for people to say good things about me when I die and really mean them. I crave to not want to feel like I have to lie to make me seem brighter or more intelligent or to have to make up excuses for the unbearable being in which I am.

I hope I will find a solution in the near future but for now it would be greatly appreciated if I was written off and started again from scratch.

Jessica x

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.”                                       

– Henry David Thoreau

Hello World..

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 11, 2012 by PoisonedShadow

 Ok, so I failed miserably at attempting to post regularly. But there’s always a third time lucky eh? So what’s been going on in my life recently? Well, I’ve turned 19, I have a new psychiatrist that I see privately and costs a bomb, my meds to treat my bipolar have been upped and….. I have lost weight! Woop woop!

I’m now back down to 93lbs but am still trying to lose more. Sticking to 300cals a day seems to be working well along with making those 300cals really healthy. I’m sorry to all the people who have left comments and I haven’t replied as I haven’t been on here in a while. I will make sure I reply to all your messages asap.

Loads of love,

J x

6 Months Later…

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2012 by PoisonedShadow

 I’m such an awful blogger, six months and no posts. Whoops.

Well, I am determined to change that and begin blogging weekly again. I have also missed venting all the bizarre things that go on in my head so lucky you! You get to hear them! Ok then, what’s been happening in my life recently. I’ve gained 10lbs. Discusting I know. My parents have been fattening me up over christmas and now I am in some desperate need of motivation to get those 10lbs off and hopefully some more. So, I’m starting with a week of 300cals daily and at least and hours exercise. That should cause me to lose 7lbs this week. Motivation, motivation, motivation. I might have to read Marya Hornbacher’s book ‘Wasted’ again. I don’t know why but that always seems to help me restrict and be disciplined. Well, I’ll write in a weeks time and let you know how I got on.

Wish me luck!

J x

Here We Go Again.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 13, 2011 by PoisonedShadow

They have referred me to the ed services. I’m dreading it. My relationship has fallen through the floor, my thoughts have started to speed up again and my life feels like it’s literally falling apart. And guess what? I know exactly what to do when that starts to happen! Control my food. I have to start restricting again. It makes everything better (TEMPORARILY.. shhh). I’ll make it work. God, I wish I knew what to do to fix the shattered heart though. Give it time, a lot of time I suppose. I wish there was a quicker route, say like move to another country? Urghh.

I have fallen in love with a few songs recently that I keep repeating on my ipod over and over.  Sometimes, music is addictive. Jamelia by Caribou is one of those addictive songs along with the Frankmusik – Completely Me Acoustic album.

I’ve had a number of new subscribers recently and I was wondering if there were any topics that anyone would like me to talk about or discuss, or any information that you’d like, or any questions in general? Let me know :)

 

All my love,

Jessica x

 

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”

-Henry David Thoreau

It’s Been A While <3

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2011 by PoisonedShadow

 Well, it’s been 3 months since my last post and I’ve decided that I really need to start writing regularly again. I miss it. This is my one outlet, and it works well.

Gosh, so, 3 months. I am now 18.. an adult. I have been passed over to adult mental health services and am still going through assessments at the moment. They keep saying that they think I might be bipolar. Yeaaahh. I already know that, the referral team already told them that. They haven’t mentioned my ed yet which is quite nice in a way. I get a break. However, food is still a nightmare, as is the weight, but I’ll talk about that next time. Errrm… I am still at college, muddling along but loving it all the same. So I guess all sorts of little events have happend since my last post but I won’t bore you with them.

I will write weekly from now on whilst attempting to monitor my weight on here at the same time and my next post should be more detailed and current.

Love always,

J x

P.s. Kryssy and Georgie.. contact me, let me know how you are :) xxxx

Back <3

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2011 by PoisonedShadow

 Current Weight – 87lbs

Sorry for not posting in a while. I’ve just had so much going on with college etc. I’m afraid that I haven’t kept up with your blogs but I will be spending this week doing a catch up.

Anyway, 87lbs. I haven’t managed to meet my original deadlines but I am planning to work really hard from now to reach my ultimate goal weight. Also, the added stress of trying to get the right grades for med school should help in me in losing some weight. I was also thinking about putting some before and after shots up of me on here. What do you think?

So just a quick post but I will be posting regularly from now on.

Love, J

xoxox

The Wanderings of a Lost Soul

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 I can’t reach my thoughts or emotions. I have been cut off. I try to grasp something sane and it almost enters my clasp. As quickly as it comes, it disappears again. Lost. A state of half consciousness lingers and wavers through the haze of my mind. I can sense a situation which requires an emotional response, such as worry or tears. But I can’t feel anything, I can’t feel at all. The emotions don’t come forth to bare. I know what I should be feeling but the only emotion/feeling that I recognise is the numbness and despair. I try to run and escape it but my feet are trapped in the quicksand. The quicksand that is dragging me down deeper and deeper untill there is no oxygen left in my lungs and no spark left in my mind.