Archive for Self harm

Realisation.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2012 by PoisonedShadow

  Realisation…

I’ve had some revelations/realisations. I am never going to have the life that I want and so desperately need. I don’t know how to accept and cope with that. Most have that quality, that essence which will enable them to find the love of their lives and to lead their own unique but still beautiful life. What happens when you don’t have that? That essence which will enable you to evolve into who you should be. What if you’re not quite right? What if there was a fault in the wiring of your brain? What if you’ll never quite fit?

I may work as hard as I can to change myself or try and accept myself as I am but neither ever seems to work or be enough. Maybe I’m simply not compatible with life. I crave so much all of the time. I crave to love and be loved in return. I crave for people to want me. I crave success and unattainable beauty. I crave to be braver than I am. I crave for people to say good things about me when I die and really mean them. I crave to not want to feel like I have to lie to make me seem brighter or more intelligent or to have to make up excuses for the unbearable being in which I am.

I hope I will find a solution in the near future but for now it would be greatly appreciated if I was written off and started again from scratch.

Jessica x

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.”                                       

– Henry David Thoreau

6 Months Later…

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2012 by PoisonedShadow

 I’m such an awful blogger, six months and no posts. Whoops.

Well, I am determined to change that and begin blogging weekly again. I have also missed venting all the bizarre things that go on in my head so lucky you! You get to hear them! Ok then, what’s been happening in my life recently. I’ve gained 10lbs. Discusting I know. My parents have been fattening me up over christmas and now I am in some desperate need of motivation to get those 10lbs off and hopefully some more. So, I’m starting with a week of 300cals daily and at least and hours exercise. That should cause me to lose 7lbs this week. Motivation, motivation, motivation. I might have to read Marya Hornbacher’s book ‘Wasted’ again. I don’t know why but that always seems to help me restrict and be disciplined. Well, I’ll write in a weeks time and let you know how I got on.

Wish me luck!

J x

The Wanderings of a Lost Soul

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 I can’t reach my thoughts or emotions. I have been cut off. I try to grasp something sane and it almost enters my clasp. As quickly as it comes, it disappears again. Lost. A state of half consciousness lingers and wavers through the haze of my mind. I can sense a situation which requires an emotional response, such as worry or tears. But I can’t feel anything, I can’t feel at all. The emotions don’t come forth to bare. I know what I should be feeling but the only emotion/feeling that I recognise is the numbness and despair. I try to run and escape it but my feet are trapped in the quicksand. The quicksand that is dragging me down deeper and deeper untill there is no oxygen left in my lungs and no spark left in my mind.

Gained urghhhh!

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 I cannot believe that I have gained four whole pounds! I feel completely and utterly discusting. I have been binging and purging all week = 4 pounds! I never used to gain that much weight when I was going through the binge purge cycle all of the time? Sorry that I haven’t posted recently, had so many assignments to do and have just been really hectic. The work is just being piled on us before christmas. Tutors love to stress you out in the weeks up to christmas grrr.

Anyway, I’ll write more later this week and actually write properly.

Love,

J xoxo

Near Failure.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 Three full days of the binge/purge cycle. Disaster. I also keep finding that there are clumps of blood in my vomit which is pretty discusting. I’m not sure what that means about my physical health. Apart from that, Ive just been feeling my depression working its way back a little, however, I’m determind not to let it. Hopefully tomorrow will be more successful as I’m starting a water fast. It should last for seven days to start with and then I’ll see if I can go on a bit longer. Wish me luck!

Lots of love,

Jessica

x

Overcoming Bulimia Online.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

Current Weight – 90lbs

Haven’t posted in a week or so but I have been rather busy with college and therapy etc. Also, I have just begun my journey on a reasearch study on bulimia for the University of Glasgow. I came across it via the BEAT website and I have had an hours phone call from one of the researchers and had to complete lots of questionnaires, listened to mp3 files and watched specific videos. It is ongoing and you get continued support throughout the project as you have to complete certain stages at certain times and they can be quite difficult emotionally/psychologically. Even though it is early days, I would recommend doing it and seeing if you are eligible to complete the programme as it seems to be quite successful in battling bulimia and the thoughts associated with it. After 2 weeks of doing it I have been put into the immediate access group, which means that instead of waiting ten weeks for the online programme, support and packages I get access straight away.  But if any of you lovelies are struggling with bulimia or think you may have it, take a look at the BEAT website as there is a link to the study from there.

What else has been going on? Well, I’m in love. He is quite simply beautiful and I literally have a heart attack everytime I see him. He just messes up my mind so much. I end up saying the most stupid and nonsensical things when he is around me. How do guys do this? I wish I had that skill! Anyway, weight is going down ever so slowly and will hopefully reach my ultimate goal weight by christmas. I feel that it is infact possible now although, I always have this thought in the back of my mind “What will I do if it isn’t enough?”. Scary thought.

Nevermind, loads of love

Jessica xox

Marya Hornbacher!!

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 Oh my god!!! I sent an email to Marya Hornbacher (author of ‘Wasted’ & ‘Madness: A Bipolar Life’ etc) telling her how amazing and beautiful her writing was and she actually sent me an email back!! I had a fit when she replied.

Here it is:

“Dear Jessica,

 Thank you so much for writing, and for your incredibly kind words about my memoirs. I am honored to know that you felt a connection with them, and so very glad to hear that they helped you on your journey to recovery in some way. Nothing could make me happier.

 Your last words are so interesting–“outrun the beast that is our own madness”–and I want to say something about that. I am indeed very well these days, and have found the happiness, peace of mind, and stability I never thought would be possible for me. But a big part of that has been not so much outrunning the beast as accepting that it is a part of me, and a part of my life. That acceptance allows me to fear it less and manage it more effectively. I know that I have to do absolutely whatever is necessary to take care of myself, to laugh a lot, to love others well, and to live fully. Madness or no, this is my life to live and I intend to enjoy it. I encourage you to look for acceptance in yourself as well–I believe it just may be the key to our sanity.

 My thoughts are with you, and I wish you the very best!

 Be well,

Marya Hornbacher” 

 

 I think that I’m a little star struck! What I said to her which she quoted was, “Surely, we must eventually be able to outrun the beast that is our own madness”. What she says about it is so very true. I think I essentially knew it before but Marya has just cemented it in my brain. She is such an incredible woman to have experienced what she has and still be alive to be writing about it and living a full life today.

Just had to share this.

Lots of love,

Jessica xox

P.s. If you haven’t read her books, you absolutely must do!