Archive for Suicide

Realisation.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2012 by PoisonedShadow

  Realisation…

I’ve had some revelations/realisations. I am never going to have the life that I want and so desperately need. I don’t know how to accept and cope with that. Most have that quality, that essence which will enable them to find the love of their lives and to lead their own unique but still beautiful life. What happens when you don’t have that? That essence which will enable you to evolve into who you should be. What if you’re not quite right? What if there was a fault in the wiring of your brain? What if you’ll never quite fit?

I may work as hard as I can to change myself or try and accept myself as I am but neither ever seems to work or be enough. Maybe I’m simply not compatible with life. I crave so much all of the time. I crave to love and be loved in return. I crave for people to want me. I crave success and unattainable beauty. I crave to be braver than I am. I crave for people to say good things about me when I die and really mean them. I crave to not want to feel like I have to lie to make me seem brighter or more intelligent or to have to make up excuses for the unbearable being in which I am.

I hope I will find a solution in the near future but for now it would be greatly appreciated if I was written off and started again from scratch.

Jessica x

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.”                                       

– Henry David Thoreau

The Wanderings of a Lost Soul

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 I can’t reach my thoughts or emotions. I have been cut off. I try to grasp something sane and it almost enters my clasp. As quickly as it comes, it disappears again. Lost. A state of half consciousness lingers and wavers through the haze of my mind. I can sense a situation which requires an emotional response, such as worry or tears. But I can’t feel anything, I can’t feel at all. The emotions don’t come forth to bare. I know what I should be feeling but the only emotion/feeling that I recognise is the numbness and despair. I try to run and escape it but my feet are trapped in the quicksand. The quicksand that is dragging me down deeper and deeper untill there is no oxygen left in my lungs and no spark left in my mind.

Marya Hornbacher!!

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 Oh my god!!! I sent an email to Marya Hornbacher (author of ‘Wasted’ & ‘Madness: A Bipolar Life’ etc) telling her how amazing and beautiful her writing was and she actually sent me an email back!! I had a fit when she replied.

Here it is:

“Dear Jessica,

 Thank you so much for writing, and for your incredibly kind words about my memoirs. I am honored to know that you felt a connection with them, and so very glad to hear that they helped you on your journey to recovery in some way. Nothing could make me happier.

 Your last words are so interesting–“outrun the beast that is our own madness”–and I want to say something about that. I am indeed very well these days, and have found the happiness, peace of mind, and stability I never thought would be possible for me. But a big part of that has been not so much outrunning the beast as accepting that it is a part of me, and a part of my life. That acceptance allows me to fear it less and manage it more effectively. I know that I have to do absolutely whatever is necessary to take care of myself, to laugh a lot, to love others well, and to live fully. Madness or no, this is my life to live and I intend to enjoy it. I encourage you to look for acceptance in yourself as well–I believe it just may be the key to our sanity.

 My thoughts are with you, and I wish you the very best!

 Be well,

Marya Hornbacher” 

 

 I think that I’m a little star struck! What I said to her which she quoted was, “Surely, we must eventually be able to outrun the beast that is our own madness”. What she says about it is so very true. I think I essentially knew it before but Marya has just cemented it in my brain. She is such an incredible woman to have experienced what she has and still be alive to be writing about it and living a full life today.

Just had to share this.

Lots of love,

Jessica xox

P.s. If you haven’t read her books, you absolutely must do!

Good (early) morning!

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 I havent’ yet been to sleep and it’s 06:14am so I am just waiting for the family to wake up after a lovely nights sleep so that I have something to do. Bloody hell, I’m gonna be shattered today. Urghhh. Someone just knock me out please!

Loads of love and have a lovely day.

Jessica <3

Vice?

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 

Current weight – 93lbs

Sometimes I wonder whether my eating disorder is just one vice out of many. Smoking, purging, starving, cutting, drinking. Why do I choose ones that are so detrimental to my health?? Why can I not have a vice like simply gardening, tidying or keeping fit? Do I like to damage or is healthy and normal simply boring? Surely I could reach some sort of balance instead of the bad entirely outweighing the (non-existant) good.

I think I’m just a tad messed up :)

Love,

J <3

 

Sleep zzzzz.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 Current Weight – 94lbs

I wish. It’s 1am here in England and I so desperately need to sleep. For the past three weeks I have had between 30 minutes and an hour a night. I am sooooo tired! Apart from that, a relatively successful day. Submitted my essays which I was quite nervous about and managed to keep to just an innocent fruit smoothie.

People are starting to notice my weight loss now which I find a little unnerving. I guess in a way it’s about time as in the past 4/5 months I have lost approx 46lbs. Quite an achievement if you ignore all of the rubbish that went with it. Gradually getting closer to my 84lb goal. It just seems right that number, I don’t know why, it just does?

Love,

J xoxo

Back For Good.

Posted in Ana, Mia & Moi with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2010 by PoisonedShadow

 Well, firstly I’d like to apologise for all the people I worried to death and for not replying to the people who messaged me. I had a bit of a relapse as I’m sure you were able to tell by my last post. I ended up in A&E and a relatively short stay, by comparison, in another psychiatric hospital. However, I am back to my old self and on the road to recovery again (not from the eating disorder I might add). I have new medication and more regular therapy and a crisis team just in case.

I’m back at college and thoroughly enjoying it.  My weight has dropped quite a bit as the stress caused little eating to happen. I’ll probably post weight stats tomorrow as I’m getting back into my regular posting again. Also, I’m sorry for not being able to keep up with everyone’s progress, but I can promise that I am now fully up to date with you all.

Love you all loads,

Jessica <3