FAST.

  Current Weight – 120lbs

Just decided that I’m going to start a liquid fast of lemonade from a specific recipe that supposedly makes you lose a lot of weight but also detoxes your body. Probably a complete scam but I’ll give it my best. I’ve just got to try something, anything to curb this appetite to purge constantly. I’ll keep you updated on how I feel during it as you tend to have absoutely no energy from these kind of fasts because of the lack of carbohydrates. I’ll start with a goal of ten days then I’ll see if I can expand on how long I can survive on the fast otherwise I’ll have to try something different.

Oh, yesterday I mentioned my mum was wanting an immediate ‘chat’. Turned out my step-father had heard me purging last night but I managed to lie my way out of it by saying that I think I’m coming down with a stomache bug which was what caused me to vomit. I think she believed me, I think. Off on another tangent I’ve only had a cucumber sandwich so far today, don’t ask me why it was just one of those cravings. But, the only problem is that my step-father is cooking a really nice family dinner tonight and I have no idea of how to avoid it in the first place without arising suspicion and furthermore, how to restrain myself from so terribly wanting to eat it. God, it will be ready in about 20 minutes and I haven’t even come up with a plan apart from the “tummy bug” thing. Anyway, I’ll let you know if I manage to refrain.

Love to you all, as per usual.

Jessica xx

So Beautifully True.

“Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown into flame by another human being.

Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.”

~ Albert Schweitzer.

A Little Late I Know…

  Current Weight – 120lbs

Sorry for not posting for a while, had a hell of a lot going on. A tad behind my goals I know but I’m getting there ever so slowly.  I haven’t been binging which I guess is pretty good but I have still been purging everyday which I soo wanted to stop. I just can’t. I need it untill I get complete control over how much I eat. I’m certainly eating less but not less enough. I’ve started dancing now aswell which is fantastic! So, now on tuesdays I have dance from 4 till 5 and then kickboxing/karate from 8 till 11 at night so it is definitely burning some serious calories and I try to practice everyday to keep up burning the fat from my still discusting body.

Had a party in my best friends grounds around her house on friday night and it was amaazing but I have to say I’m still recovering from it with a serious headache.  She has a gym room with a jacuzzi and so I put on a bikini for the first time in about 2 years. I hated every minute of it but then strangely later on that night, as I got out of the jacuzzi, a guy friend came up to me and said, “Jess, you’ve got an absolutely cracking body”. I did say thankyou and I’m pretty sure he meant it but I thought, ‘How on earth can anyone be so blind??!!’  It drove me insane for the rest of the night trying to work out if he really meant it or not. However, it does give me another incentive to keep losing weight. Oh shit, mum says she wants to have a chat ‘RIGHT NOW’ which doesn’t sound so good so I won’t write anymore right now but I’ll probably post later on today and I’ll let you know if I’m in serious errrm.. trouble, about something. Wish me luck!

Lots of love and I wish you all every bit of an incentive to do what you want to do.

P.s. If you need a film with seriously beautiful women with class, amazing figures and talent watch ‘Nine, The Musical’ dvd. I cannot get over Marion Cotillard and Penelope Cruz! Also, Daniel Day-Lewis is absolutely gorgeous!

Not So Great

Current Weight – 127lbs

Didn’t do so well today. I had a small yoghurt (petit filous) for lunch, threw that up. My family ordered a chinese for dinner and I had an enormous amount of food so threw that up as well. I promised myself I wouldn’t purge anymore but old habits really do die hard. I had a really difficult session with my psychiatrist today as I’ve just found out that a teacher who was at my school last year and who was innapropriate with me – he touched me, tried to take me home etc – has just been accused of abusing a position of trust to have sexual activity with a schoolgirl. It is in the newspaper and my psychiatrist thinks that I should give evidence.  He was supposed to be at court but had failed to turn up and it has supposedly happened to a lot of young girls where he has taught. I swear it is just one thing after another and I really don’t want to have to go through it all and have all of my school teachers knowing that it happened to me too. As if I don’t feel dirty enough without this, however, I do feel a huge sense of guilt over it as I think that if I maybe testified it may help him to be put away instead of doing it to more vulnerable, young girls. Like a sense of duty to the public I feel like I should but I can’t bear it.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing really well and I guess tomorrow’s another day so hopefully I won’t purge at all.

Lots of love

xxx

 

Almost In Sight Of 1st Goal..

Current Weight – 127lbs

 Down to 127lbs and I am already finding it hard. The fact that I cannot purge when I eat something is hell for me, it’s like breathing. Extra exercise is really helping me shed the pounds though as I have started kickboxing/karate and it is fantastic. I do it for two hours, once a week at a club nearby. It kills but you do get to partner up with rather hot guys :P I’m doing quite well in sticking to the 300cal limit. I had a plain salad with a little bit of salad cream today, about 150cals. Hopefully, I won’t be eating anything else tonight and luckily the cravings to binge haven’t set in yet. However, it is early days :s 

 Feeling a bit low at the moment and I can sense a relapse working it’s way back. I do feel rather lost and feel like I’m losing touch on reality – madness sneaking its way back in –  and it really frightens me. I was going through an atlas and looked at a picture of the universe and our planet and I realised just how insignificant we all are. If I died, disappeared or lost my sanity entirely it would make no dent whatsoever to life as a whole. Nothing would change. It would just be another statistic.

 Anyway, apart from that ramble things are generally ok. Family think I’m fantastic and are utterly oblivious to anything going on as per usual. They love me to bits but are not perceptive in any shape or form. 

 But, that will do for now. I’ll probably post tomorrow, if not later tonight.

 Love to you all and remember… We Can Do This.

xxx

Insomniac

Can’t sleep. Thought I’d post to recommend two other bloggers who are really interesting and doing a similar thing to me so take a look :)

http://itsmywayoflife.wordpress.com/

http://120lb.wordpress.com/

P.s. It will take me a little while to get everything up on here as there are lots of pages I want to add :)

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