Weight.

 

 

 

 

 

Weight is such a horrible word to the eating disordered. If asked about or mentioned it can instill such a feeling of panic and fear which is entirely irrational to anyone but us. We immediately think, too much. That is the answer to the word weight. Without hesitating we instantly attribute it to mean our weight and what number came up on the scales that morning. What is it about our brains that make us think about weight and the look of our bodies in the way that we do? Were we just wired incorrectly, is there some rational part of our brain not entirely functioning? A lot of people say that we control our eating because we have lost control over some other aspect of our lives. However, why food and weight? Why would we not choose to control our academic career or simply creating a precise wake up routine for the morning?

So must there be something slightly different about us, whether it is a misfiring in the brain or a personality glitch? I don’t think so. I think it come down to choices. Yes we may be slightly more perfectionist than most but at the end of the day it is a lifestyle choice. Because it is how we want to live our lives as we are not happy with how are at this moment. So why the hell shouldn’t we be able to change ourselves in any way we please? If we should have any right, it should be the right to our own bodies. There is not a lot left in life that is truly ours, apart from our own mind, our body and our choices.

Jessica x

Better..

  Hi guys,

So, things are going really well at the moment. My love life is good, my friends are good, my education is good and my weight is getting there. I lost 5lbs last week and am hoping to carry on losing weight this week. Eating one small meal a day and exercising every other day seems to be doing the trick. The bonus is it’s not all that extreme and it’s working really well. I don’t feel overly tired or anything on just the one meal and the exercise I love, as I’m sticking to tennis at the moment. I did four hours of tennis yesterday and feel great today all though I am aching a little. Tennis is also great for toning your whole body. You only have to look at the female tennis players to see what amazing figures they have!

Thankyou to everyone who has posted comments recently and I will be replying asap. Hope you are all doing well and being determined!

Love,

Jessica x

 

“We never repent of having eaten too little.”

– Thomas Jefferson

Realisation.

  Realisation…

I’ve had some revelations/realisations. I am never going to have the life that I want and so desperately need. I don’t know how to accept and cope with that. Most have that quality, that essence which will enable them to find the love of their lives and to lead their own unique but still beautiful life. What happens when you don’t have that? That essence which will enable you to evolve into who you should be. What if you’re not quite right? What if there was a fault in the wiring of your brain? What if you’ll never quite fit?

I may work as hard as I can to change myself or try and accept myself as I am but neither ever seems to work or be enough. Maybe I’m simply not compatible with life. I crave so much all of the time. I crave to love and be loved in return. I crave for people to want me. I crave success and unattainable beauty. I crave to be braver than I am. I crave for people to say good things about me when I die and really mean them. I crave to not want to feel like I have to lie to make me seem brighter or more intelligent or to have to make up excuses for the unbearable being in which I am.

I hope I will find a solution in the near future but for now it would be greatly appreciated if I was written off and started again from scratch.

Jessica x

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.”                                       

– Henry David Thoreau

Hello World..

 Ok, so I failed miserably at attempting to post regularly. But there’s always a third time lucky eh? So what’s been going on in my life recently? Well, I’ve turned 19, I have a new psychiatrist that I see privately and costs a bomb, my meds to treat my bipolar have been upped and….. I have lost weight! Woop woop!

I’m now back down to 93lbs but am still trying to lose more. Sticking to 300cals a day seems to be working well along with making those 300cals really healthy. I’m sorry to all the people who have left comments and I haven’t replied as I haven’t been on here in a while. I will make sure I reply to all your messages asap.

Loads of love,

J x

6 Months Later…

 I’m such an awful blogger, six months and no posts. Whoops.

Well, I am determined to change that and begin blogging weekly again. I have also missed venting all the bizarre things that go on in my head so lucky you! You get to hear them! Ok then, what’s been happening in my life recently. I’ve gained 10lbs. Discusting I know. My parents have been fattening me up over christmas and now I am in some desperate need of motivation to get those 10lbs off and hopefully some more. So, I’m starting with a week of 300cals daily and at least and hours exercise. That should cause me to lose 7lbs this week. Motivation, motivation, motivation. I might have to read Marya Hornbacher’s book ‘Wasted’ again. I don’t know why but that always seems to help me restrict and be disciplined. Well, I’ll write in a weeks time and let you know how I got on.

Wish me luck!

J x

Here We Go Again.

They have referred me to the ed services. I’m dreading it. My relationship has fallen through the floor, my thoughts have started to speed up again and my life feels like it’s literally falling apart. And guess what? I know exactly what to do when that starts to happen! Control my food. I have to start restricting again. It makes everything better (TEMPORARILY.. shhh). I’ll make it work. God, I wish I knew what to do to fix the shattered heart though. Give it time, a lot of time I suppose. I wish there was a quicker route, say like move to another country? Urghh.

I have fallen in love with a few songs recently that I keep repeating on my ipod over and over.  Sometimes, music is addictive. Jamelia by Caribou is one of those addictive songs along with the Frankmusik – Completely Me Acoustic album.

I’ve had a number of new subscribers recently and I was wondering if there were any topics that anyone would like me to talk about or discuss, or any information that you’d like, or any questions in general? Let me know :)

 

All my love,

Jessica x

 

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”

-Henry David Thoreau

It’s Been A While <3

 Well, it’s been 3 months since my last post and I’ve decided that I really need to start writing regularly again. I miss it. This is my one outlet, and it works well.

Gosh, so, 3 months. I am now 18.. an adult. I have been passed over to adult mental health services and am still going through assessments at the moment. They keep saying that they think I might be bipolar. Yeaaahh. I already know that, the referral team already told them that. They haven’t mentioned my ed yet which is quite nice in a way. I get a break. However, food is still a nightmare, as is the weight, but I’ll talk about that next time. Errrm… I am still at college, muddling along but loving it all the same. So I guess all sorts of little events have happend since my last post but I won’t bore you with them.

I will write weekly from now on whilst attempting to monitor my weight on here at the same time and my next post should be more detailed and current.

Love always,

J x

P.s. Kryssy and Georgie.. contact me, let me know how you are :) xxxx

Adulthood.

 So, 18 years old in one weeks time. Scary? Hell yeah. I’ll officially be an adult and expected to be responsible and normal. Yeah right. I never actually thought that I would reach 18 so it is, in fact, quite an event. However, it is so damn scary as I know that I am entering adulthood with so much rubbish and such a messed up mind. How is that a good way to start? Will it all get worse?

My psychiatrist is setting up a meeting with the adult psychiatric services so as to transfer me over to them. I will, again, have to go through my life history with someone I don’t know. My current psychiatrist, my friend. I trust him so much and I don’t know how I’ll manage without him to be quite honest. He makes me laugh, he makes me angry, he picks me up when I collapse and we try again. I will miss him more than I dare to say.

Love,

Jessica x

Back <3

 Current Weight – 87lbs

Sorry for not posting in a while. I’ve just had so much going on with college etc. I’m afraid that I haven’t kept up with your blogs but I will be spending this week doing a catch up.

Anyway, 87lbs. I haven’t managed to meet my original deadlines but I am planning to work really hard from now to reach my ultimate goal weight. Also, the added stress of trying to get the right grades for med school should help in me in losing some weight. I was also thinking about putting some before and after shots up of me on here. What do you think?

So just a quick post but I will be posting regularly from now on.

Love, J

xoxox

The Wanderings of a Lost Soul

 I can’t reach my thoughts or emotions. I have been cut off. I try to grasp something sane and it almost enters my clasp. As quickly as it comes, it disappears again. Lost. A state of half consciousness lingers and wavers through the haze of my mind. I can sense a situation which requires an emotional response, such as worry or tears. But I can’t feel anything, I can’t feel at all. The emotions don’t come forth to bare. I know what I should be feeling but the only emotion/feeling that I recognise is the numbness and despair. I try to run and escape it but my feet are trapped in the quicksand. The quicksand that is dragging me down deeper and deeper untill there is no oxygen left in my lungs and no spark left in my mind.

Gained urghhhh!

 I cannot believe that I have gained four whole pounds! I feel completely and utterly discusting. I have been binging and purging all week = 4 pounds! I never used to gain that much weight when I was going through the binge purge cycle all of the time? Sorry that I haven’t posted recently, had so many assignments to do and have just been really hectic. The work is just being piled on us before christmas. Tutors love to stress you out in the weeks up to christmas grrr.

Anyway, I’ll write more later this week and actually write properly.

Love,

J xoxo

Near Failure.

 Three full days of the binge/purge cycle. Disaster. I also keep finding that there are clumps of blood in my vomit which is pretty discusting. I’m not sure what that means about my physical health. Apart from that, Ive just been feeling my depression working its way back a little, however, I’m determind not to let it. Hopefully tomorrow will be more successful as I’m starting a water fast. It should last for seven days to start with and then I’ll see if I can go on a bit longer. Wish me luck!

Lots of love,

Jessica

x

80’s

 Current Weight – 89lbs!

Yes! I’m finally in the 80’s!! I’m really pleased with myself. :)

However, I keep waking up with bruises. I don’t get it? I wake up and I have big old bruises all over my hips and back. Why? I haven’t beaten myself up during the night and my mattress has 8cm memory foam in it so it isn’t because the mattress is too hard. Nevermind. The guy that I’m going to stay with on the 18th is soo lovely but I’m getting really bad jitters and am thinking about backing out even though I don’t want to. Thing is, when I stay with him in Cambridge I know what’s expected. If you know what I mean. I’m still really uncomfortable about people seeing my body and I’m terrified that he’ll look at me and think, ‘That’s discusting’. Nightmare.

Hope you’re all having a ball.

Love <3

Top Pro-Ana Blog Award 2010?

Hmmmm….

My blog has been awarded a ‘Top Pro-Ana Blog Award 2010’. I’m not sure how I feel about that really. Whether to be pleased or rather dismayed? A mixture of both I think. The only other winner from wordpress is ‘Addicted to Clouds’ of which I happen to be a fan. The other winners are all from blogspot.

Take a look at http://medicalbillingandcoding.org/top/pro-ana/ and see what you think about it all.

Love,

J <3

So Much.

 I’m going to stay with a guy friend in cambridge on the 18th for a few days. I’m terrified. Whenever guys get close to me or say that they like me I always freak out and push them away even if I really like them back. Urghhh. It’s so irritating. I just automatically repel guys the minute they decide they are interested in something more which is often mutual but can I just be normal???!!! No. I say, “Go out with that other girl that fancies you, you’ll be much better together”. I don’t mean it but I say it regardless. I ruin the majority of chances that I get so often that I have decided to make an early new years resolution where I have to accept it if a guy likes me and give it every opportunity to work. I will do it. I will.

Love,

Jessica xox

Overcoming Bulimia Online.

Current Weight – 90lbs

Haven’t posted in a week or so but I have been rather busy with college and therapy etc. Also, I have just begun my journey on a reasearch study on bulimia for the University of Glasgow. I came across it via the BEAT website and I have had an hours phone call from one of the researchers and had to complete lots of questionnaires, listened to mp3 files and watched specific videos. It is ongoing and you get continued support throughout the project as you have to complete certain stages at certain times and they can be quite difficult emotionally/psychologically. Even though it is early days, I would recommend doing it and seeing if you are eligible to complete the programme as it seems to be quite successful in battling bulimia and the thoughts associated with it. After 2 weeks of doing it I have been put into the immediate access group, which means that instead of waiting ten weeks for the online programme, support and packages I get access straight away.  But if any of you lovelies are struggling with bulimia or think you may have it, take a look at the BEAT website as there is a link to the study from there.

What else has been going on? Well, I’m in love. He is quite simply beautiful and I literally have a heart attack everytime I see him. He just messes up my mind so much. I end up saying the most stupid and nonsensical things when he is around me. How do guys do this? I wish I had that skill! Anyway, weight is going down ever so slowly and will hopefully reach my ultimate goal weight by christmas. I feel that it is infact possible now although, I always have this thought in the back of my mind “What will I do if it isn’t enough?”. Scary thought.

Nevermind, loads of love

Jessica xox

Marya Hornbacher!!

 Oh my god!!! I sent an email to Marya Hornbacher (author of ‘Wasted’ & ‘Madness: A Bipolar Life’ etc) telling her how amazing and beautiful her writing was and she actually sent me an email back!! I had a fit when she replied.

Here it is:

“Dear Jessica,

 Thank you so much for writing, and for your incredibly kind words about my memoirs. I am honored to know that you felt a connection with them, and so very glad to hear that they helped you on your journey to recovery in some way. Nothing could make me happier.

 Your last words are so interesting–“outrun the beast that is our own madness”–and I want to say something about that. I am indeed very well these days, and have found the happiness, peace of mind, and stability I never thought would be possible for me. But a big part of that has been not so much outrunning the beast as accepting that it is a part of me, and a part of my life. That acceptance allows me to fear it less and manage it more effectively. I know that I have to do absolutely whatever is necessary to take care of myself, to laugh a lot, to love others well, and to live fully. Madness or no, this is my life to live and I intend to enjoy it. I encourage you to look for acceptance in yourself as well–I believe it just may be the key to our sanity.

 My thoughts are with you, and I wish you the very best!

 Be well,

Marya Hornbacher” 

 

 I think that I’m a little star struck! What I said to her which she quoted was, “Surely, we must eventually be able to outrun the beast that is our own madness”. What she says about it is so very true. I think I essentially knew it before but Marya has just cemented it in my brain. She is such an incredible woman to have experienced what she has and still be alive to be writing about it and living a full life today.

Just had to share this.

Lots of love,

Jessica xox

P.s. If you haven’t read her books, you absolutely must do!

Good (early) morning!

 I havent’ yet been to sleep and it’s 06:14am so I am just waiting for the family to wake up after a lovely nights sleep so that I have something to do. Bloody hell, I’m gonna be shattered today. Urghhh. Someone just knock me out please!

Loads of love and have a lovely day.

Jessica <3

Vice?

 

Current weight – 93lbs

Sometimes I wonder whether my eating disorder is just one vice out of many. Smoking, purging, starving, cutting, drinking. Why do I choose ones that are so detrimental to my health?? Why can I not have a vice like simply gardening, tidying or keeping fit? Do I like to damage or is healthy and normal simply boring? Surely I could reach some sort of balance instead of the bad entirely outweighing the (non-existant) good.

I think I’m just a tad messed up :)

Love,

J <3

 

Sleep zzzzz.

 Current Weight – 94lbs

I wish. It’s 1am here in England and I so desperately need to sleep. For the past three weeks I have had between 30 minutes and an hour a night. I am sooooo tired! Apart from that, a relatively successful day. Submitted my essays which I was quite nervous about and managed to keep to just an innocent fruit smoothie.

People are starting to notice my weight loss now which I find a little unnerving. I guess in a way it’s about time as in the past 4/5 months I have lost approx 46lbs. Quite an achievement if you ignore all of the rubbish that went with it. Gradually getting closer to my 84lb goal. It just seems right that number, I don’t know why, it just does?

Love,

J xoxo

Back For Good.

 Well, firstly I’d like to apologise for all the people I worried to death and for not replying to the people who messaged me. I had a bit of a relapse as I’m sure you were able to tell by my last post. I ended up in A&E and a relatively short stay, by comparison, in another psychiatric hospital. However, I am back to my old self and on the road to recovery again (not from the eating disorder I might add). I have new medication and more regular therapy and a crisis team just in case.

I’m back at college and thoroughly enjoying it.  My weight has dropped quite a bit as the stress caused little eating to happen. I’ll probably post weight stats tomorrow as I’m getting back into my regular posting again. Also, I’m sorry for not being able to keep up with everyone’s progress, but I can promise that I am now fully up to date with you all.

Love you all loads,

Jessica <3 

Despair.

 I would write about my London antics if I could. But things have taken a turn for the worst. After being in an extreme cycle of mania and depression for the past few days I have hit catastrophe. I have reached the bottom of the snake pit. I feel like I’m going insane and if I get worse I’ll either be back in the psychiatric hospital or dead. I’m tearing at the insides of my own mind. I can’t react with any normality. What is happening to me!! Please stop, please. Somebody save me from myself. I am insane. I am insane. I am insane. Get me out of hell. This is hell. How can I survive this. It has never felt this bad.. not only mentally, but physically my whole body is out of control. The entire despair kicks itself and I want to break. Shatter. Everything, I must. I’m not worth this. This is too much. Pain. So much fucking pain by body can’t stand up and fight anymore. Maybe, just maybe I’ll let the insanity take over my mind and I’ll never resurface. I’ll be lost in the delusions of my own fantasies. Forever. Lost. Death or Insanity. Which will come first, I’m not sure yet. Perhaps death. I hope. Nothingness. Peaceful, ever so peaceful. As they say in latin, ‘Finis’. And perhaps this may be appropriate, ‘Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero’ but not in the way they quite want it to be meant. Finality. I will seize my last day and make my decision.

Whatever that may be.

All my love.

J

  

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London.

  Just a quick post to let you know that I’m off to London tomorrow so I won’t be able to post. However, I can still reply to emails and to your comments thanks to my faithful blackberry. I’m off to London for a week with my best friends for a bit of supposed relaxation time. We’re all staying in a flat in central London owned by a friends father. Our week should consist of shopping, a show and just a general break. I’m sure most of it will be really good but the whole trip will be tainted by the issue of food. For example, I haven’t eaten anything today and there is no way I will be able to do that in London. Although, luckily it feels as though my depression has lifted by 1/1000000 so I might be able to manage the trip mood wise. And the fact that the depression might be lifting at all is amazing in itself.

Ok, well I better get to bed for at least an hours sleep. Hope all of you are sleeping well and have a fabulous week. Speak to you soon.

J

<3

Weight Falling..

  Current Weight – 103lbs

My weight is dropping too rapidly. I never thought that I’d say it but it is. I feel seriously ill and it is making my depression much worse. I can’t think coherently, I forget what I’m trying to say as soon as I start etc.. physically, I am so lightheaded that I keep fainting.  My vision will just go and I won’t be able to see anything but black. It scares me so much when I am grappling along the floor trying to reach the kitchen so that I can eat a peice of bread so that my sight returns. Once that happens, I go straight to the bathroom and purge the bread. Why??!  What am I doing to myself?! How much is simply the depression and how much is my eating? Or, lack of it. 

 I apologise for the slow delivery, it has taken me approximately half an hour to write this and I do hope it makes sense. Sorry to just moan but there has to be some sort of outlet for me.

Please free me from this nightmare.

Loads of love,

J