Despair.

 I would write about my London antics if I could. But things have taken a turn for the worst. After being in an extreme cycle of mania and depression for the past few days I have hit catastrophe. I have reached the bottom of the snake pit. I feel like I’m going insane and if I get worse I’ll either be back in the psychiatric hospital or dead. I’m tearing at the insides of my own mind. I can’t react with any normality. What is happening to me!! Please stop, please. Somebody save me from myself. I am insane. I am insane. I am insane. Get me out of hell. This is hell. How can I survive this. It has never felt this bad.. not only mentally, but physically my whole body is out of control. The entire despair kicks itself and I want to break. Shatter. Everything, I must. I’m not worth this. This is too much. Pain. So much fucking pain by body can’t stand up and fight anymore. Maybe, just maybe I’ll let the insanity take over my mind and I’ll never resurface. I’ll be lost in the delusions of my own fantasies. Forever. Lost. Death or Insanity. Which will come first, I’m not sure yet. Perhaps death. I hope. Nothingness. Peaceful, ever so peaceful. As they say in latin, ‘Finis’. And perhaps this may be appropriate, ‘Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero’ but not in the way they quite want it to be meant. Finality. I will seize my last day and make my decision.

Whatever that may be.

All my love.

J

  

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London.

  Just a quick post to let you know that I’m off to London tomorrow so I won’t be able to post. However, I can still reply to emails and to your comments thanks to my faithful blackberry. I’m off to London for a week with my best friends for a bit of supposed relaxation time. We’re all staying in a flat in central London owned by a friends father. Our week should consist of shopping, a show and just a general break. I’m sure most of it will be really good but the whole trip will be tainted by the issue of food. For example, I haven’t eaten anything today and there is no way I will be able to do that in London. Although, luckily it feels as though my depression has lifted by 1/1000000 so I might be able to manage the trip mood wise. And the fact that the depression might be lifting at all is amazing in itself.

Ok, well I better get to bed for at least an hours sleep. Hope all of you are sleeping well and have a fabulous week. Speak to you soon.

J

<3