Weight Falling..

  Current Weight – 103lbs

My weight is dropping too rapidly. I never thought that I’d say it but it is. I feel seriously ill and it is making my depression much worse. I can’t think coherently, I forget what I’m trying to say as soon as I start etc.. physically, I am so lightheaded that I keep fainting.  My vision will just go and I won’t be able to see anything but black. It scares me so much when I am grappling along the floor trying to reach the kitchen so that I can eat a peice of bread so that my sight returns. Once that happens, I go straight to the bathroom and purge the bread. Why??!  What am I doing to myself?! How much is simply the depression and how much is my eating? Or, lack of it. 

 I apologise for the slow delivery, it has taken me approximately half an hour to write this and I do hope it makes sense. Sorry to just moan but there has to be some sort of outlet for me.

Please free me from this nightmare.

Loads of love,

J

I’m Sorry.

 

Current Weight – 105lbs

I’m sorry for not posting for quite a while. I know some of you have been quite worried and for that I am really sorry. I’ve been at the rock bottom of the bipolar and have been unable to write, speak, work and eat. As you can see my weight has dropped due to the stress and in general, the depression.

Oh god.. someone help me. Please, please help me. I know my psychiatrist quite deservedly needed a holiday, but why now. For four, ever so long, weeks. I have nothing. I need him so so much and he isn’t here. I hate being so dependant on him and so absolutely pathetic but when things feel this bad you need somebody, anybody to just be there. It just feels like nothingness. Empty, unconscious, estranged, delusional, like looking through frosted glass, numb, entire nothingness. When inner life is transfixingly still rather than transfixingly busy. Every movement is like pushing every single muscle through quicksand. Slowly sinking whilst desperately trying to climb to the surface. Why is life so god damn hard?

I have so much more to say to you all but for now, as my brain isn’t quite becoming all that functional yet, it will have to wait. But, to make it up to you I shall list some songs that may be of interest. Some of them aren’t my usual listening choices but the words mean something to so many of us that I feel the need put them here.

All my love,
Jessica x

The Songs

Saviour – Rise Against (chorus has great lyrics)

Speeding Cars – Imogen Heap

End of the World – Skeeter Davis

Someone I Once Knew – Dead Celebrity Status

Sophie – Eleanor Mcevoy

Asleep – The Smiths

Possibility – Lykke Li

Satellite Heart – Anya Marina

That will do for now.

Oh, Ophelia..

 

Current Weight – 112lbs

I feel so empty, numb. I have finally crashed after the past weeks of mania. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I have no interest in anything and two minutes manage to feel like two, long years. I’m hardly aware of what is going on around me and I feel that I could just walk out in front of a train with no extra thought or worries about it. Just to end this absolute nothingness, this complete despair which closes in around me.

Sorry for not writing over the past few days but I haven’t felt able to contruct a sentence together, I still can’t really. Hope all of you are happy and are doing well.

The Concept Of The Suffering Artist.

 The concept of the suffering artist. The poetic, intelligent yet tragic persona. A Pre-Raphaelite. That is what we want to be. The starving, suffering artist. We would die for our art, our genius.

 It excuses our madness and our irrationalities as long as we have that essence, that grandiose quality that makes it all worthwhile. Almost miniscule in comparison to the greater art.

These romantic ideals of a genius living a life of imagination and dreams. To surpass all trivial, material needs. This is mine. My un-realistic image of perfection. Very far from perfection in fact but this is what I envisage it to be.

 

I Know What I Said.

 

Current Weight – 113.2lbs

I know that I said my next posts would be more coherent etc however, I don’t think this one will be. I’ve had a really bad night tonight and writing appears to be my only outlet right now. I self harmed approximately one hour ago and it’s the first time that I have done this in a long time. I can’t bear to go into why I’ve done this but I did promise myself, and others, that I would not do this again. The thing is, watching the blood trickle down my arms gives me the most warped sense of satisfaction that nothing else does. Cutting and weighing a little less are my only vices. Can anybody else sympathise?

Love, as always.

Jessica x

Maybe Not.

 

I decided not to weigh myself today as I don’t think I’d be too happy with the numbers. I’ve also changed my ‘Goals’ page and my ultimate goal weight to 82lbs so I now have even longer to go. Sorry about the random post last night, I re-read it this morning and realised that it didn’t really make a lot of sense. I’m going to try to make my next post(s) more consistent and.. well.. sane. They tend to be pretty detached at the moment as that is the way my brain seems to process my thoughts and feelings; like an abstract painting.

Haven’t eaten yet today and hopefully I’ll be able to say the same thing by 10pm tonight. Luckily, my appetite seems to be pretty non-existent. This is always a bonus. I think that I may have passed the bingeing stage (touch wood). I’m off to the beach with my friends in a bit so I’ll write later on. I won’t even take a swim suit, subsequently, giving me no opportunity to look like a beached whale.

Loads of love,

Jessica x

Calm After Storm.

   Ok, recovered from self loathing slightly. However, it is not because things have improved over the last couple of days. I have in fact purged between one and five times a day for the past couple of days. I haven’t binged but anything I have eaten, even if it has only been a yoghurt, I have not been able to keep down. Consequently, I have been far to scared to weigh myself although I will see if I can face the scales tomorrow.

Mania is escalating rapidly. I feel relatively sane right now but this morning was an entirely different story. I thought I was literally living in my imagination. God knows what people thought. Maybe I really have gone mad. Nevermind, I’m sure it will sort itself out eventually.

Love to you all,

x

“You wake up one morning and there it is, sitting in an old plaid bathrobe in your kitchen, unpleasant and unshaved. You look at it, heart sinking. Madness is a rotten guest.”
~ Marya Hornbacher

Shit.

Current Weight – 116lbs

Totally, completely and utterly fucked up big time today. Knew it was all going too well. Got to work, ate a twix and a galaxy bar, then a hot chocolate with whipped cream. So what did I do? Purge.. at work. If I had just managed some margin of self control then this would never have happened. I hate myself. Stupid, greedy, fat bitch. Urghhh. Water only tomorrow. Absolutely NO exceptions.

I hate myself, I hate myself, I HATE myself.

Discusting, dirty. STILL FAT.

This Is The Way..

‘This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.’

– T.S.Eliot

This is the way I see my life disappearing. I always imagined that when I died the world would stop, if only for a brief second, but stop none the less in recognition of my death. It would be a small event in the history of the world. However, now I can see it with a new clarity. ‘Not with a bang but a whimper.’

Can’t Sleep..

When I reached my 17th birthday I said to my mum, “I want to be 7 or 37, nothing inbetween”. To be a child with no worries and just an imagination to explore or to have everything in its place and be married with my chosen career and children. I hate this fragment inbetween, it is too hard and hurts too much.

A Little Mania..

  Current Weight – 117lbs

I was once that girl I remember. The little girl that I catch glimmers of in the glass. She is the real, the good and the pure. Her smile appears on my face as if she is reminding me that I was happy once and happy will I be again. The little girl I must protect. My past, present and future – my conscious and my subconscious. But I’ve altered into this new breed. The ill, insane, disturbed adolescent mind. A corrupted personality. What is going to happen to me? What am I going to become?

Thin.

This is my answer to myself. No other answer seems to suffice. Thin is what I must become to make me happy, to make me well. Although, deep down I know this answer is distorted, I can’t help but believe it to be true. I think this lack of food and sleep is what is triggering my mania. But I am losing weight whether I may be a tad mad or not. Always a plus side to everything. Hope all of you are very much content.

Love,

Jessica x

Enough Said.

“For those of you who understand, no explanation is needed. For those of you who don’t, no explanation will ever be enough.”

Actual Progress.

  Current Weight – 118lbs

Fast is going surprisingly well so far. I’ve completed four days and dropped 2 lbs which I’m really rather happy about. The only downside I guess is the serious lack of energy, for example, I can’t have a shower in the mornings now as I get little white dots in front of my eyes after two minutes and then I have to sit down in the shower for about five minutes so that I don’t faint. Aah well, you can’t have it all!

Oh, I did manage to escape dinner the other night.. just. I had to really fake sickness but it worked! I do have a confession though because yesterday I did give in to my grans cooking and ate a full plate of spaghetti bolognaise however, I did immeadiately purge afterwards. So I guess I did, sort of, rectify it. I know I have said time and time again that I want to and must stop purging but it clearly is not working. Instead I am setting myself a new rule of if I really need to purge then I can but only as a last resort. That way I’m not letting myself just purge whenever I want but I’m not setting myself rules that are to rigid. I’m adding some new pages to the ‘Thinspiration’ section today so take a look if you’re interested!

Love to you all

xxx