Gained urghhhh!

 I cannot believe that I have gained four whole pounds! I feel completely and utterly discusting. I have been binging and purging all week = 4 pounds! I never used to gain that much weight when I was going through the binge purge cycle all of the time? Sorry that I haven’t posted recently, had so many assignments to do and have just been really hectic. The work is just being piled on us before christmas. Tutors love to stress you out in the weeks up to christmas grrr.

Anyway, I’ll write more later this week and actually write properly.

Love,

J xoxo

Near Failure.

 Three full days of the binge/purge cycle. Disaster. I also keep finding that there are clumps of blood in my vomit which is pretty discusting. I’m not sure what that means about my physical health. Apart from that, Ive just been feeling my depression working its way back a little, however, I’m determind not to let it. Hopefully tomorrow will be more successful as I’m starting a water fast. It should last for seven days to start with and then I’ll see if I can go on a bit longer. Wish me luck!

Lots of love,

Jessica

x

80’s

 Current Weight – 89lbs!

Yes! I’m finally in the 80’s!! I’m really pleased with myself. :)

However, I keep waking up with bruises. I don’t get it? I wake up and I have big old bruises all over my hips and back. Why? I haven’t beaten myself up during the night and my mattress has 8cm memory foam in it so it isn’t because the mattress is too hard. Nevermind. The guy that I’m going to stay with on the 18th is soo lovely but I’m getting really bad jitters and am thinking about backing out even though I don’t want to. Thing is, when I stay with him in Cambridge I know what’s expected. If you know what I mean. I’m still really uncomfortable about people seeing my body and I’m terrified that he’ll look at me and think, ‘That’s discusting’. Nightmare.

Hope you’re all having a ball.

Love <3

Top Pro-Ana Blog Award 2010?

Hmmmm….

My blog has been awarded a ‘Top Pro-Ana Blog Award 2010’. I’m not sure how I feel about that really. Whether to be pleased or rather dismayed? A mixture of both I think. The only other winner from wordpress is ‘Addicted to Clouds’ of which I happen to be a fan. The other winners are all from blogspot.

Take a look at http://medicalbillingandcoding.org/top/pro-ana/ and see what you think about it all.

Love,

J <3

So Much.

 I’m going to stay with a guy friend in cambridge on the 18th for a few days. I’m terrified. Whenever guys get close to me or say that they like me I always freak out and push them away even if I really like them back. Urghhh. It’s so irritating. I just automatically repel guys the minute they decide they are interested in something more which is often mutual but can I just be normal???!!! No. I say, “Go out with that other girl that fancies you, you’ll be much better together”. I don’t mean it but I say it regardless. I ruin the majority of chances that I get so often that I have decided to make an early new years resolution where I have to accept it if a guy likes me and give it every opportunity to work. I will do it. I will.

Love,

Jessica xox

Overcoming Bulimia Online.

Current Weight – 90lbs

Haven’t posted in a week or so but I have been rather busy with college and therapy etc. Also, I have just begun my journey on a reasearch study on bulimia for the University of Glasgow. I came across it via the BEAT website and I have had an hours phone call from one of the researchers and had to complete lots of questionnaires, listened to mp3 files and watched specific videos. It is ongoing and you get continued support throughout the project as you have to complete certain stages at certain times and they can be quite difficult emotionally/psychologically. Even though it is early days, I would recommend doing it and seeing if you are eligible to complete the programme as it seems to be quite successful in battling bulimia and the thoughts associated with it. After 2 weeks of doing it I have been put into the immediate access group, which means that instead of waiting ten weeks for the online programme, support and packages I get access straight away.  But if any of you lovelies are struggling with bulimia or think you may have it, take a look at the BEAT website as there is a link to the study from there.

What else has been going on? Well, I’m in love. He is quite simply beautiful and I literally have a heart attack everytime I see him. He just messes up my mind so much. I end up saying the most stupid and nonsensical things when he is around me. How do guys do this? I wish I had that skill! Anyway, weight is going down ever so slowly and will hopefully reach my ultimate goal weight by christmas. I feel that it is infact possible now although, I always have this thought in the back of my mind “What will I do if it isn’t enough?”. Scary thought.

Nevermind, loads of love

Jessica xox